First off, I auditioned, got a call back, and got cast as an extra. At first I was happy, but that only lasted for a second. I looked at the names of the other extras and saw that two of them could not act their way out of a cardboard box. I looked at the smaller roles for females and realized that I could easily out act two of them. I sat there contemplating what all of this meant. Was I not that strong of an actress as I thought? Were they just so good I couldn't see it? No. I know I'm a strong actress. The whole thing deals with politics.
#1 one of the girls, who is a year younger and is not a strong actress at all, got into one of the smaller parts. Why? Her brother is a gem in the theater community and her parents are the presidents of the parent booster's club.
#2 a girl in my grade, who was cast once in middle school her 8th grade year, was cast as another small role. Her parents are in the booster as well.
#3 The other extras that aren't that talented? Yeah, well, guess who have parents in the booster? Them. Me? No. My parents didn't have the time even though I begged them last year.
And I've had it about to my ears with politics. Think about it logically, if a person is a good actor, they should be cast. If a person isn't as strong of an actor, they should be in the back ground or not cast at all. But oh no. Only if you have connection do you get a relatively decent role or one that is way above your deserving.
I'm sorry for all of this. I've already had my scoop of self pity mint chip ice cream, but I still kinda feel like shit considering all of it. I had allowed myself to dream that I could make it to one of the bigger parts, and that's what crushed me. I'm sure my therapist will hear about this on Monday. I'm going to talk to my theater teacher as well and see what I can improve on. A lot of people try to comfort me in times like this, tell me to just keep auditioning. I get so angry when people do that though. I mean, who do they think I am? I'm not one to just quit! So I cry a bit, eat my feelings for a while, but I always get back up with a smile the next day and attack it like it's new. I've had a fair share of disappointments. I most certainly have. I just hate how people think I'll quit because of one. I just remember what my old theater teacher told me when I asked him where I could improve. "They're going to notice you. I know that because I noticed you." Every time I remember that, I always start to tear up. If not, I start to bawl harder. That's what I'm doing now. Bawling harder. But what ever. By tomorrow I'll be smiling and working again. Right now, I'm going to write more to Captain Bones and just immerse myself in the story. Maybe I'll even imagine that Aaron is real.
Doodle of the day:
This is the picture I did before the one of Noel at the pool.
-Cheers!
